// Student answers a question
Mr. Akhmedov: No, that's wrong
Student: What? That's what you told us yesterday
Mr. Akhmedov: Well, you shouldn't believe everything people tell you.
Student: But you're our TEACHER. You're not supposed to lie. You're supposed to tell the truth!
Mr. Akhmedov: That wasn't a part of the job description.

*Mr. Mott Walks up to random student*
Mr. Mott: I like your scarf.
Student: Thank you.
Mr. Mott: I really like it. Give it to me.
Student: What?

// Freshmen Physics class going over a worksheet
Mr. Akmedov: Does anyone know the answer to this question?
*class is silent*
Mr. Akmedov: That's all right. I put in an AP Physics C question for fun.

Student: How's the class Neurobiology?
Pathak: Well, I mean, it's pretty intense. Uh, why?
Student: I want to take it next year.
Pathak: Really? Well... I kinda want smart people to take it.

// Dr. Pathak, in an email to students regarding contacting him via email
Hello,
When you send an email, you have to sign your name at the end.  Providing your name lets me know who you are.  That's one of the key advantages of having a name.  It's pretty easy to do.  Watch how I do it at the end of this email.
Dr. Pathak

History teacher: If you're not going to participate in this class, transfer to Ms. Feldman's. She needs someone to listen to her talk.

Dr. Pilloff: Can you think of any other examples of an organism living inside another organism?
class: *silence*
Dr. Pilloff: Have you ever heard of Jonah and the whale?

Asama: Mr. Mott, can I do anything for extra credit?
Mr. Mott: Why yes you can. You can kiss my ass.
*laughter*
George: Mr. Mott, can I quote that?
Mr. Mott: If you do I'll whoop YO ass.
George: The quote's just getting longer, Mr. Mott.

Mr. Citron: I don't get why girls like high heels so much. They look like ducks which is not attractive at all, unless of course, you like ducks, which means you like sheep, which means you have syphilis.

// Ms. McCaffrey is reading delaney cards in gym. Mr. Choubaralian messes with her by putting a fake card with a fake name in her pile of cards.
Ms. McCaffrey: Harry Balsak? Is there a Harry Balsak? No Harry Balsak? Okay.
*Everybody erupts in laughter*

Student: Mr. Majewski, what happens if you fail the Regents?
Mr. Majewski: No one ever failed the Regents! Except this one kid who was all over the news! Reporters from ABC interviewed him and asked him "Daniel, why did you fail the Regents?" and Daniel said "Not to worry, I will become an astronaut and land on the sun!" and the reporters said "How are you going to land on the sun? The sun is very hot," and Daniel once again said "Not to worry, I will land at night!"

// Class is silently reading
Mr. Mott (on telephone): Excuse me?
*class looks up*
Mr. Mott (on telephone): You can't put me on hold. Do you know who I am?

Student: Mr. Citron, there's a cockroach on your Delaney book!
Mr. Citron: Oh look, there is. I'll use it to choose which students I call on.
// Mr. Citron proceeds to ask students questions based on which Delaney card the roach is on

Mr. Mott: Max, I saw you in the street the other day. Why did you not say hi to me?
Max: I'm sorry Mr. Mott, I didn't see you.
Mr. Mott: What?! As big and as black as I am you did not see me! Now I understand if it was the middle of the night, but in broad daylight?

Student: Mr. Mott, can you open the door? It's locked and the teacher's late.
Mr. Mott: No. They don't let black men have keys in this school.

// Someone is asleep
Mr. Cocoros: Aww....look Ester is tired...
*He takes her pencil case and hides it*
Mr. Cocoros: If I had more time, I would have had all of you file out of class and leave her there.

// Calc BC
Ms. Schimmel: You have to understand this stuff, or you'll be driving around lost...
*Freshman wanders into room*
*Freshman wanders out of room*
Ms. Schimmel: Like that poor kid...

// In gym class I wrote Voldemort as my nickname on the Delaney card. Then Mrs. Luczac read it out loud...
Mrs. Luczac: Voldemort?
// Class laughs for a couple minutes
Mrs. Luczac: Did I pronounce it wrong?

Mr. Dibbs: Havn't you ever wanted to sneak up behind someone in a wheelchair and PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS?
Student: err... no Mr. Dibbs.

// Ms. Suri has just finished explaining why Margaret Sanger had been arrested (for passing out pamphlets on sex education -- they termed it as pornography)

Student: Wait... is pornography illegal?
Ms. Suri: Back then it was.
Ms. Suri: Don't worry, you're safe.

// In Mr. Kavanagh’s Class
Student 1: Why is it even called geometry?
Mr. Kavanagh: Because an acorn grew up and said geometry.
Student 2: I think he’s finally lost it.
Student 1: I still don’t get it.
Mr. Kavanagh: You know Gee-I’m-A-Tree? Get it? Forget it, you’re all idiots.

Student: So Mr. Esper, if you were born on Mars--
Mr. Esper: I was not born, I was *hatched*.

Akmedov: How long does it take you guys to blow dry your hair?
Girl: I don't know. Like, five minutes?
Akmedov: What?! It takes me at least fifteen minutes.
Boy: That's why you look so good!

// Students have found out Dr. Chen can speak German
Student 1: Dr. Chen, can you speak German for us?
Dr. Chen: WHY? THIS IS MATHEMATICS CLASS!
Student 2: Why do you know German?
Dr. Chen: I STAY THERE SO MANY YEARS!
Student 3: You stayed in Germany? That's so cool!
Dr. Chen: WHY IS COOL?! WHAT SO COOL GERMANY?!
Student 4: What were you doing in Germany?
Dr. Chen: I DO RESEARCH!
Student 4: What kind of research?
Dr. Chen: I CANNOT TALK. IS LONG STORY.

Mr. Majewski: Oh, Rosa should read! She has such a good voice! She does opera with Ms. Hell. 
Mr. Majewski: Ms. Hall, sorry, I mean Ms. Hall. So easy to make mistake like this.

Student: Do you get out of the house often?
Mr. Kennedy: When my wife lets me.

Dr. Utting: Please turn to page 102.
Student: Uhh, Dr. Utting, that topic was covered in September
Dr. Utting: Oh wait, 1002, argh I have dyslexia. Well...it's not really called dyslexia. Hmm. Does anyone know what's it called?
Student 2: Old age?
Dr. Utting: *glare*

// Dr. Pilloff calls on "Kevin" but another student answers
Dr. Pilloff: *confused*
Class: There's three Kevins in this class...
Dr. Pilloff: Who's the third Kevin?
*Student raises his hand*
Dr. Pilloff: What's your name?
Student: ...Kevin

// Ms. Shuman is taking attendance
Ms. Shuman: Tina. Tina?
*Ms. Shuman looks around and sighs*
Ms. Shuman: You know, I saw her like 10 minutes ago in McDonalds.
Ms. Shuman: I was a much better cutter than you guys when I was in high school.

// Ms. Hall is trying to get a baritone to hit a high G.
Ms. Hall: Pull up from the groin, suck in your gut, reach down in your cajones and give me a G!