// Phone begins to ring during class. After 30 seconds of confusion, Dr. Chen picks up the phone.
Dr. Chen: Hello? Yes...THIS IS CLASSROOM
// Dr. Chen hangs up
Student: Who was that?
Dr. Chen: I DON'T KNOW.

Ms. Hall: I get very annoyed when I'm ignored. Don't I, Ms. Shamazov?
Ms. Shamazov: *looks up* ...what?

Mr. Mott: Y'all are so boring!!! You guys need to wake up or something. Y'all need...*goes up to T.A. and whispers something*
T.A.: Ok guys, nobody told me to say this, but it has come to my attention that you all need to do some weed.
Mr. Mott: He said it. Not me.

// Somebody puts fake delaney card in Dr. Li's book during Saturday prep school
Dr. Li: Mickey Mouse? No Mickey Mouse? You live at ABC Sesame Street in Disney--
*suddenly realizes what he's reading*

Lostal: We have to finish here, I want to end class by the time the end bell rings, for once.
Student: The end bell already rang.
Lostal: I didn't ask for your opinion.

// Mr. Francis calls on a student to read what he wrote about what he thinks Mrs. Bennet would say:
Steven: Should I read it in a girl voice?
Mr. Francis: No.
Steven: *reads what he wrote in normal voice* "I believe that..."
Mr. Francis: I said no!

Mr. Sandler: Did I ever tell you guys how my wife and I came up with our son's name? His name's Bernie, after my great grandpa Bernie. The rest of it is Oscar Salino Sandler. So his initials are B.O.S.S. cause he's the boss!

// Students have found out Dr. Chen can speak German
Student 1: Dr. Chen, can you speak German for us?
Dr. Chen: WHY? THIS IS MATHEMATICS CLASS!
Student 2: Why do you know German?
Dr. Chen: I STAY THERE SO MANY YEARS!
Student 3: You stayed in Germany? That's so cool!
Dr. Chen: WHY IS COOL?! WHAT SO COOL GERMANY?!
Student 4: What were you doing in Germany?
Dr. Chen: I DO RESEARCH!
Student 4: What kind of research?
Dr. Chen: I CANNOT TALK. IS LONG STORY.

*After discussing how only female mosquitoes, bees, spiders, etc. bite*
Citron: Guys, as you can see, there is a recurring motif here: Females are dangerous and love hurts.

Student: How's the class Neurobiology?
Pathak: Well, I mean, it's pretty intense. Uh, why?
Student: I want to take it next year.
Pathak: Really? Well... I kinda want smart people to take it.

// Mr. Mott often walks in during Realmuto's class
*Mr. Mott walks in holding a baby*
Class: Awwww!
*Mr. Mott leaves and reappears a few minutes later with a young girl*
Student 1: ...where does he keep getting all these kids?!
Student 2: ...I want to know what happened to the baby.

Mr. Dibbs: These are safety matches. They're so safe they don't light.
*slams match against chalkboard*

// Phone rings in Mr. Mott's class
Mr. Mott: Hello?
*listens intently for 3 minutes*
Mr. Mott: Who the hell is this?

Ms. Hall: You, baritone, back there! What have you been looking at this entire period?
Ms. Hall: Come up here and show me right now!
*Baritone walks up and hands Ms. Hall his report card which he's been looking at*
Ms. Hall: We got these two hours ago! Put it away!
*Pause*
Ms. Hall: And work harder on your chemistry labs.

// Class is silently reading
Mr. Mott (on telephone): Excuse me?
*class looks up*
Mr. Mott (on telephone): You can't put me on hold. Do you know who I am?

Student: So...if we finish the lab, we'll actually find the amino acid sequence for Botana Curus, thus finding the cure for cancer?
Pathak: If you were actually, like, listening to what I've been saying for the last 45 minutes, you would, uh, know that this lab is fake by now.

Mr. Majewski: Oh, Rosa should read! She has such a good voice! She does opera with Ms. Hell. 
Mr. Majewski: Ms. Hall, sorry, I mean Ms. Hall. So easy to make mistake like this.

Mr. Dibbs: When I went to school, I read about Greeks myths where the gods would go around getting mortal women pregnant.
Mr: Dibbs: They would disguise themselves as eagles.
Mr. Dibbs: I tried that once, but it didn't work.

*Dr. Pathak stops lecture and looks up at the class*
Dr. Pathak: Wow.
Student: What's wrong?
Dr. Pathak: You guys, uh, look like an actual class today.

// Ms. Shuman is taking attendance
Ms. Shuman: Tina. Tina?
*Ms. Shuman looks around and sighs*
Ms. Shuman: You know, I saw her like 10 minutes ago in McDonald's.
Ms. Shuman: I was a much better cutter than you guys when I was in high school.

Mr. Mott: Max, I saw you in the street the other day. Why did you not say hi to me?
Max: I'm sorry Mr. Mott, I didn't see you.
Mr. Mott: What?! As big and as black as I am you did not see me! Now I understand if it was the middle of the night, but in broad daylight?

// Dr. Pathak sends an email to students regarding contacting him via email.
Hello,
When you send an email, you have to sign your name at the end.  Providing your name lets me know who you are.  That's one of the key advantages of having a name.  It's pretty easy to do.  Watch how I do it at the end of this email.
Dr. Pathak

// In Multivariate Calculus
Student: Dr. Chen, there's a bug on the floor
*Dr. Chen walks over*
Dr. Chen: KEEELLLLLLLL IT

// Dr. Pathak is discussing apple products
Pathak: So, a while ago apple was going to make a kids version of the iPod touch. They were thinking about calling it the iTouch kids. It didn't work out so well.

Mr. Citron: I'm a macho sort of guy, you know, the one everyone's afraid of, but when it comes to dogs, something happens...
Mr. Citron: If I'm late to school, it's because I found a really cute dog I had to pet.

Mr. Badgley: And then we were playing drinking games with these monks.
Mr. Badgley: I asked one why that wasn't breaking his religion. He said to me, there are many paths to enlightenment, and tonight, it's beer.

*Mr. Mott Walks up to random student*
Mr. Mott: I like your scarf.
Student: Thank you.
Mr. Mott: I really like it. Give it to me.
Student: What?

// In Mr. Kavanagh’s Class
Student 1: Why is it even called geometry?
Mr. Kavanagh: Because an acorn grew up and said geometry.
Student 2: I think he’s finally lost it.
Student 1: I still don’t get it.
Mr. Kavanagh: You know Gee-I’m-A-Tree? Get it? Forget it, you’re all idiots.

// Mr. Mott walks into Mr. Donin's class, and Mr. Donin acts suprised
Mr. Mott: Just because I'm a black man doesn't mean you have to jump like that!

// Absence note
Sr. Simón: Reason for absence, "I was sick." And there's no parents' signature.
Sr. Simón: You forgot to forge it.