Mnemonics with Ms. Daves:
H O F Br I N Cl: The elements that bond with themselves.
AKA "Homies Often Fight Bros In Night Clubs"

// Student comes to class late
Dr. Chen: Why you late?!
Student: I didn't know the period started.
Dr. Chen: WHAT HAPPEN? YOU GET ISOLATED SOMEWHERE?

Notes: Aha, pun. (Or maybe it's just me...)

Dr. Niglio: You're talking apples and oranges when I'm talking bananas.

// Mr. Donin gives out extra credit in the form of "plus marks" to students he thinks deserve them
Student: Well, I think it was arbitrary and random for the US to send military forces into Mexico.
Mr. Donin: Forces!  Plus mark for using Star Wars terminology!
Student: It's not enough reason to send in troops just because Pancho Villa and some other rebels were doing stuff.
Mr. Donin: Rebels!  Two plus marks!

Student: Mr. Schepard, can I go get my review book?
Mr. Schepard:  Well, I'm not supposed to let you out of the room for anything except medical emergencies. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Student: Sure.

// From 07-08
Teacher: You guys know what the difference between a shithead and a brown-noser? One of them has depth perception. I probably shouldn't have told you that. Anyway...

Mr. Kennedy: Did you guys hear about the Underwear Bomber?
Mr. Kennedy: I just thought of the perfect headline for that story: "A brief threat of terrorism."

// Somebody puts fake delaney card in Dr. Li's book during Saturday prep school
Dr. Li: Mickey Mouse? No Mickey Mouse? You live at ABC Sesame Street in Disney--
*suddenly realizes what he's reading*

Kid #1: We should take a field trip to the zoo.
Mr. Econome: Yeah, that's a good idea. They have good snacks there.
Kid #2: The snacks there suck!
Kid #3: The snacks are in the cages.

Mr Wisotsky: It'd be funny if it was a girl setting all these fires.

// Ms. Cappell is telling students to draw a picture of her
Ms. Cappell: I'll allow each of you to reposition me once
Ms. Cappell: And I can give you a peek if you want

Ms. Augustave: STOP THINKING

Mr. Mott: Why do you have two first names?
Student: I guess my parents just aren't very good at English.
Mr. Mott: Well, do I have to say both?
Student: Yes, it's one word.

Dr. Chen: For a matrix, you put big par-en-titties. See, they round.
Student: Just how I like them.

Ms. Augustave: There's no chalk there?
Ms. Augustave: See, this is why I never leave chalk out.
Ms. Augustave: People eat it!

// 3rd period
Mr. Majewski: So theres this guy in my 10th period class and during the test, he kept looking down at his pocket. And guess what? He got a 100 on the test. He was taking knowledge out of his pocket! Some people are so tricky...
Student: Why didn't you take his test paper away?
Mr. Majewski: I was hoping he had the wrong answers..

// Mr. Francis calls on a student to read what he wrote about what he thinks Mrs. Bennet would say:
Steven: Should I read it in a girl voice?
Mr. Francis: No.
Steven: *reads what he wrote in normal voice* "I believe that..."
Mr. Francis: I said no!

// After hearing a ridiculous story
Math Teacher: I don't know if it's the drugs you're ON, or the drugs you're SUPPOSED to be on...

// Dr. Pillof's grading system
Dr. Pillof: That's it! I'm giving you an E.
Student: What's a E for?
Dr. Pillor: For not getting on the escalator fast enough.
// Later
Dr. Pillof: I'm giving you an R for racist!

Mr. Wang: If you study easy, test is hard. If you study hard, test is easy.

// Ms. Breslin stops the class's getting-to-know-you session.
Ms. Breslin: The building is fireproof.
Ms. Breslin: It's not the fires that kills, it's the smoke!

Mr. Citron: You know what disease they don't get in China?
Steven Ng: Yellow fever.

Notes: The answer was heart disease, since their diet is lower in fats.

Kiran: But how do we know this polynomial is continuous?
Ms. Schimmel: ...
Ms. Schimmel: We'll look at discontinuous polynomials another day.

Notes: (All polynomial functions are continuous)

Mr. Mott: What do I mean when I say "you bring something to the table?"
Student: We have opinions!
Mr. Mott: Yea but opinion is like an a**hole...
Mr. Mott: Everyone has one!

// Football
Coach: When you're out in the field, you gotta play like a team. Coordinate yourselves like a team. Like you're painting a huge mural with the word STUYVESANT. You gotta outline the word, paint in the S, the T, the R-
Player: Coach, there's no R in Stuyvesant.
Coach: ...Fucking smart kids.

Dr. Utting: All dogs are part of the same species, I know that is hard to believe.
Dr. Utting: That means all types of dogs can mate with each other.
Dr. Utting: Like a chihuahua and a husky...although that must be very difficult...

// Mr. Citron describes how T-cells are activated
Mr. Citron: It's like if you pour soda on me and I turn into--
Guy: SUPERCITRON!
Mr. Citron: -- a pink flowergirl. OOIIILOOIALOIOILIIOAII!!! Or then, if you pour beer on me and I turn--
Guy: SUPERCITRON!
Mr. Citron: --into this big, burly Irish guy.
Other dude: Why they always gotta be Irish.
Mr. Citron: Okay, a guy from, um, Greenland. Nobody's from Greenland. There are like three people in Greenland.
Girl: Really?
Mr. Citron: Yes, that's what I heard. But anyway, do you get the concept? Soda, and I become a flowergirl, OIOOILOAIOLIOALOI, beer, RARRRRR tough guy.
Guy: NO! SUPERCITRON! NO!

Mr Francis: You guys suck, I'm awesome.
*He then storms out of the classroom*

// Class is going over a test
Student: That answer choice makes sense when you read it out loud, but not on paper.
Mr. Polazzo: That's why you need a little voice in your head to read it to you, like I have.
// Making speaking motions with his hand and using a deep whisper
Mr. Polazzo: Kill the president. Kill the president!
// Looking up towards imaginary cameras and back in his normal voice.
Mr. Polazzo: I didn't mean it, CIA, I promise I didn't mean it.

Mr. Simon: Hey! You! Biscocho de fruta! [Fruitcake!]