Bernice: Are you atheist?
Dr. Fitzgerald: ARE YOU LESBIAN?!!?

Student on cellphone: Dude, they kicked me out of the building because they said I smelled like I was high. I mean, I am a little high, but I don't smell like it!

Dr. Pilloff: Ever walk down the street and feel someone poke your neck? Or stick something in your mouth to get cheek cells?

// Health education
Ms. Garber: You wanna try birth control that you can smoke?

Student: When I die, I want people to be confused about my intentions.

Student: Mr. Majewski, when are we getting our tests back?
Mr. Majewski: I left them in my office. I give them back tomorrow.
Student: Can I go get them?
Mr. Majewski: No, they are in a very special safe. No one can open. Not even Javari can open!

Student: Yo, let me tell you a crazy story about my Grandpa.
Mr. Schechter: I can tell you a few stories about your Grandma!

(After discussing curling)
Citron: Curling is so not a sport!
Student: Yes it is! It requires all these mathematical equations and planning...
Citron: Please, I can make a sport right now. *picks up Hamlet book* It's called booking. *throws book onto bio text book* Yay, I covered the monkey! Score!

// Lily is being particularly annoying
Mr. Polazzo (to Lily): Everything you did in the last 20 seconds is wrong.

// A student has a nosebleed in class
Dr. Pilloff: You have a nosebleed?
*student tries to nod*
*Dr. Pilloff looks around and gives him a paper towel*
Dr. Pilloff: Here's a paper towel. And uh...address that.

// Mr. Dibbs is doing equilibrium demonstration involving solutions of varying color
Mr. Dibbs: This red test tube, when placed in hot water will become more red, but when placed in cold water will become purple.
Student: That isn't red, that's brown.
Mr. Dibbs: Red, brown, same thing.  You kids and your different colors.  Back in my day, you'd get crayon boxes with just the three primary colors.  Now you've got those boxes of 150,000 crayon colors - Upstate New York Green!  Electric Ruby!  Montana Sunset, 5 PM!
Mr. Dibbs: And why do they need so many blues?  You've got navy blue, sky blue, cerulean blue, periwinkle blue, azure, midnight blue... and what the hell is up with baby blue?  Am I the only one who thinks of a still-born when I hear baby blue?
Mr. Dibbs: Speaking of which, why are all the colors so cheerful?  What about cadaver green?  Funerial purple?  Rigor mortis red?
// After experiment
Mr. Dibbs: Okay, class, so what color is the test tube?
Class: Purple.
Mr. Dibbs: No, it's midnight fuschia.

Notes: I always wondered why the 2008 ID cards were "fuschia" instead of mauve, purple, violet, pink, or any of the other colors that it actually looked like.

Ms. Shamazov: So today we’re going to hear a real castrato.
Student: You mean Justin Bieber?

// A student forgot how to do binomial expansion
Dr. Chen: This is learning process. You learn some, then you forget some. BUT YOU NEED TO LEARN MORE AND FORGET LESS.

// In Mr. Kavanagh’s Class
Student 1: Why is it even called geometry?
Mr. Kavanagh: Because an acorn grew up and said geometry.
Student 2: I think he’s finally lost it.
Student 1: I still don’t get it.
Mr. Kavanagh: You know Gee-I’m-A-Tree? Get it? Forget it, you’re all idiots.

// Talking about whether "opaque" describes Mr. Eghizi
Chris: Well, Mr. Eghizi was opaque; unfortunately, his shirt often wasn't.

Mr. Dreyfus: I probably shouldn't tell you this story, because it involves me being rebellious, but oh well.  When I was taking physics, there was a problem involving a meterstick, and one of the students asked "how long is the meterstick?"  To which the teacher responded "who is buried in Grant's tomb?"

And the student was puzzled.  So I answered.  But you know how I did it?

"Your mom."

*class applauds*

Dr. Pilloff: Does anyone know why I never order tuna sushi?
Student: In the process of getting tuna, dolphins are sometimes killed.
Dr. Pilloff: Uh. No, that's not it. I mean, that might happen, but sometimes a few dolphins need to die for you to get your meal. I think it's acceptable.

Student: Clinton. He was a good role model.
English teacher: A good role model? He got blowjobs in the oral... ora... ov... OVAL office!

Mr. Cocoros: Class, I just want to tell you something about tests. I've gotten a bit concerned. I don't want to see people passing notes, writing the answers on desks, sending answers through cellphones, and leaving class!
*long pause*
Mr. Cocoros: Now mind you, it was just a dream, but still...

Student: Should I be concerned that I find Kafka's Metamorphosis a little funny... sometimes...
Mr. Grossman: Kafka used to laugh hysterically while reading his own work. I think you should be more concerned about how similar you are to Kafka.

// Mr. Majewski is corrected on the pronunciation of a word.
Mr. Majewski: When there's a chance to pronounce incorrectly, I use it.

Lillian: Levin wasn't chaste before Kitty.
Francis: You mean he didn't play tag?!

Dr. Barrow: How do you pronounce "elles?"
Student: Uh, ellez-
Dr. Barrow: no, FAIL

// After trying to explain what an IUD is
Dr. Pilloff: I hope I'm not taking a big risk by Googling "intrauterine device"...

// Explaining a condom...through another analogy
Dr. Pilloff: You know, they're like bottle caps, the ones with codes on the inside for free...uh...
Dr. Pilloff: ...uh. Like, free text messages or something.

Mr. Ku: Find the holes in the graph; where are the hos?
B: In the street!

Biology teacher: So guys, we're going to go over the stuff I didn't get to yesterday.
Student: You're too good of a teacher to have missed anything. There's nothing left to cover.
Biology teacher: We'll continue as soon as this guy takes his lips off my butt.

// At summer school
Mr. Lostal (indicating student): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your king. The King of Failures!
// Later that day
Mr. Lostal (seeing same student talking to Mr. Teitel): Mr. Teitel!  I had no idea you were... in league with the King of Failures!

Mr. Gern: I had a friend in college who spent his entire life marking scansion for 18th century poetry.
Student: Um, was he happy?
Mr. Gern: Actually, he was an alcoholic.

// Mr. Kennedy gives a hint
Mr. Kennedy: It's something Stuyvesant students do on floors
Student: Light fires?
// He never said what the right answer was.

Mr. Wisotsky: Au contraire, mon frere. That's MY buffalo!